Melodi Club

Click here for a WMV file I made of the best bits of the show which you can watch as you read. It includes, in order: Martin, Linda, Shirley, Alcazar, Jimmy, Nanne, After Dark, the results, Martin.

A male presenter says we will need pills to get through tonight. He’s not wrong. The show opens with a short sequence of acrobatics which looks especially manic on the bad quality stream I’m watching. The presenters, Jill Johnson (she released a bad version of Hopelessly Devoted To You once) and Mark Levengood (I don’t know who he is) are dressed in black and yellow. I think Mark’s outfit must be an ‘individual’ take on Swedish national dress. Now they have moved to a different stage. There is a British and Irish flag near the front of the audience. Time for some singing, yay!

Martin Stenmarck – Las Vegas
This is a great song in my opinion, and I cannot stand Elvis impersonations. It’s not really an impersonation but it’s certainly that 50s cabaret style. It begins a bit like Fever. He’s quite buff, I think – the fuzzy stream makes it hard to tell. His singing is good enough. I’m not sure what order this is supposed to be in cos Martin is neither first alphabetically or chronologically of when they got through to the final.

The presenters have got changed already! We’ve only had one song! They’re worse than the actual Eurovision presenters.

Linda Bengtzing – Alla flickor
The pill-popping presenter is back and can’t pronounce Linda’s name. I’ve finally got to grips with the spelling. All Flickor is my favourite song out of all the entries in any round of Melodifestivalen 2005 so I’m really pleased she’s made the final. Sadly her disasterous bright orange outfit from the first show is back too. Such a brilliant song though. Pure Eurovision and such a powerful, soaring, upbeat chorus. She reminds me a little of the lovely little legend that was Anjeza Shahini from last year’s contest, in looks and general feel if not sound. I believe Linda was a Fame Factory contestant in Sweden, like Jimmy Jansson who is coming up later.

Nordman – Odet var min vag
This band are so rubbish! They have absolutely none of the Melodifestivalen spirit, yet are for some reason quite popular. The singer is bald and very ugly. He can’t sing very well and the song is very boring. It’s a sign of a brilliant song when, like Linda Bengtzing’s, it’s still utterly brilliant when you don’t understand a word of it. This song is quite the opposite. It’s one of those songs which you get every year in Eurovision and wonder why on Earth they were sent to represent their country, they’re just so un-Eurovision, so hopefully it won’t be the Swedish entry taking up that role this year.

Shirley Klamp – Att alska dig
Shirley is a legend in my mind ever since she made the most brilliant Christmas song of all time – her version of Do They Know It’s Christmas. It’s brilliance is truly impossible to describe or comprehend. Sadly this song is not quite that good but it’s still pretty poptastic. Her entry to Melodifestivalen 2004, Min Karlek (pronounced Sharlek by those crazy Swedes), just missed out by coming second so she’s hoping to go one better this year and I wouldn’t be too upset if she did – she does have a better chance than my other favourites – but there are definitely better songs in the contest. It’s good but doesn’t really have any catchy bits, which a Eurovision song surely needs. She certainly has enough excitement and enthusiasm, though!

The presenters have got the giggles about something but I wasn’t paying attention so I’m afraid I have no idea what it was.

Sanne Salomonsen – Higher Ground
Back to English at last. Sanne is really old. She is hugging the pill-popper. What a lovely couple they make…er, not! Yuck. She really thinks she’s Anastacia and I guess she’s not too far off. She’s even wearing an outfit just like Anastacia’s in I’m Outta Love. The song is quite catchy and upbeat but I don’t think much to her singing. Nowhere near good enough to win and I’ll be hugely shocked if she does, although the song is very popular on Limewire whenever I search for Melodifestivalen so you never know!

My arms are aching from all this fast typing. They don’t have adverts on this channel (it is the Swedish equivalent to BBC) so I won’t get any breaks. Ouch!

Caroline Wennergren – A Different Kind Of Love
I can’t remember hearing this one although I probably have cos I seem to remember it’s a boring ballad. Oh hang on, she is not who I thought she was! I have heard this song and I really hate it. I hate her too. She’s not a totally awful singer and looks like the missing, particularly ugly, member of Cleopatra, but I have an irrational hatred of Caroline and her red scrunchie. Pauline Kamusewu did this sort of thing a hundred million times better. Search out some of her stuff instead.

Alcazar – Alcastar
Hooray! I love this band so much it hurts (oh it hurts, in the middle of the night etc.). Pill-popper says they have the x-factor. Tess looks scared. Their costumes and performance are unbelievably fantastic. They appear from a discoball for goodness’ sake! The fancy dress from before is sadly absent but they work the ‘matching in white’ look better than any cheesy boyband could ever dream to. Everyone can be an alcastar! Worship the talky bit. Key change! Whooooooooooosh! Just try and tell me this isn’t the best band to ever exist in the history of time.

Jimmy Jansson – Vi kan gunga
What better after the exhilarating excitement of the best band evertm than the cutest little popstar I have ever come across. Yimmy Yansson, as the Swedes call him! Liking the shirt in the interview. Very 5 Colours In Her Hair. He is after all a one-boy McFly with 100 times the energy. The Swedes do everything we Brits attempt so much better and little Jimmy is no exception. If it’s not Alcazar or Linda I would definitely like him to win. Oh why can’t all 3 win? It’s too mean to only allow 1!

Fredrik Kempe & Sanna Nielsen – Du och jag mot varlden
Last one, and it’s the oldies, Fred & Sanna. Sanna is wearing a highly inappropriate skimpy lingerie-esque dress and still manages to remind me of Leslie Garrett. Fredrik is simply a lost cause in his shiny red and black. As much as I love shiny, sparkly things they should only be worn by those young enough to carry it off and Freddy, dear, that does not include not describe you.

At last I can breathe. It’s all over. Except it’s not! There’s still Nanne to go! Oh my God…

Nanne Gronvall – Hall on mig
Pill-popper mentions Hannibal Lecter. I’m not entirely surprised. Oooh! This looks really ace! I know the song isn’t that great, but…big drums! Bright pink dress! High-pitched scream! Such fun! Nanne was already the favourite and coming last, as with all the singing competitions, gives you a big advantage. She is a complete nutter too. It’s all very dramatic.

Now it really is finished, but of course the real drama is still to come. Who will be this year’s Swedish Eurovision entry? It’s super-exciting! I really am absolutely shattered. I shall certainly sleep well tonight. Better set the video for Popworld.

Loads of talking in Swedish now. They just announced what sounded like “Alcazar” but is in fact a lady with a mop. It’s Lena Ph singing Det gor ont (unt?). Not sure who the others are though, maybe old Swedish entrants? Apparently it’s Carola and Charlotte Nielsen. Now there’s a Bucks Fizz-esque band and Swedish drag pop act After Dark dressed as Abba singing Waterloo in Swedish! Back to Det gor ont. The enormous trophy is back! It has bird on the top and every Melodifestivalen winner has a little plaque on the side. Then Carola sings another song. Kill The World, or something. One of her male dancers looks like an ugly gay Ryan off The OC and the other is surely H from Steps.

Time for points now! I can’t see the board and I don’t understand the numbers. Oh crap! Martin won the first vote. Shocking! Alcazar came 3rd. And the second vote (the presenter of which called Jill (the cheerful but probably botoxed female presenter) “schnukging”…I wonder what that means? Perhaps they’re not very secret lovers!), Martin 1st and Alcazar 3rd again. Need to see who is coming 2nd. 3rd round, I think Alcazar won it! Yippee!

OK, I have a clearer version now. It was Jimmy who came 2nd in the first round, Shirley in the 2nd but Alcazar did not win the 3rd round – in fact they got a dismal 2 points, Martin fell out of favour coming only 4th and the top 3 positions were taken quite differently by Caroline Wennergren (yuck!), Linda Bengtzing (YAY! her first points so far!) and Nanne Gronvall (who had been predicted to win the whole thing!). In round 4, Martin does even worse with only 4 points and Alcazar only get 6! Jimmy, Shirley and again Nanne make up the top 3. It’s now neck and neck between her and Martin – he is in the lead by 2 points. Oh it’s so tense!

Nordman is losing with only 1 point so far – brilliant! Round 5 shakes things up again as Alcazar and Martin get the top 2 points and Nanne gets a big fat zero! Could she be out of the race? Not likely in this insane competition! Whoever wins of those 3 would be ace but Alcazar are of course my preference. Sadly they only get 2 points in round 6, Nanne only gets 4 and the top 3 points go to Caroline (grrr!), the lovely Shirley and buff hottie Martin. It looks like he has this sewn up now as he’s 20 points ahead of Shirley, his nearest rival. Alcazar are 2 points behind her and Nanne is lagging 10 points behind them, but as we’ve already seen, anything could happen!

It shocks me that Linda isn’t doing better. Her song is so amazing! Must be the orange outfit. Round 7 and Nanne does badly but the top 3 are Alcazar, Shirley and Martin again! He will surely win now! It surprises me a little as I had no idea he was a favourite but his song is really catchy and the power of buffness is never to be underestimated. Round 8 isn’t kind to Alcazar but the top 3 are Martin, Shirley, with Nanne on top allowing her to overtake Alcazar in the leaderboard. Martin is still 20 points ahead of Shirley (they have 78 and 58 points respectively).

Round 9 brings good news for Martin, Nanne and….ALCAZAR! They finally win a round and get easily the biggest cheer of the night so far. Everyone loves the ‘Zar so why aren’t they winning? There’s still time! The girl from Malmo looks just like Edith Bowman. Sadly Alcazar have plummeted back down to 2 points. The top 3 for round 10 are Martin, Shirley and Nanne. It seems that Martin (now 22 points ahead) will keep his lead but Shirley, Nanne and Alcazar are really fighting it out for 2nd place. Nordman only have 4 points! HAHAHA!

Round 11 and it’s good news for Nanne, Alcazar and Shirley, who is edging closer to Martin but nowhere near close enough. Her points have been consistently good though compared to Alcazar’s for example which have been all over the shop! Now they seem to want usthe Swedes to vote again? Maybe it’s text votes. It costs 9.90kr…about 76p. Quite expensive for a phone vote, but this is Melodifestivalen, they can charge what they like!

Now another interval act. It’s that Redneck Woman woman! She’s not Swedish! Or anything to do with Melodifestivalen! OHHHH! I’ve just realised it’s Jill Johnson (the presenter) singing Redneck Woman. I do love this song actually. Hey y’all anyhaw! She could have at least changed it to “I know all the words to every Lena Ph song!” Jill is in fact rather good. I may like her now. It’s hard not to like anyone Swedish. Except Mr pill-popper who is back dressed as a red indian. It may be funny but I can’t understand a word of it.

It’s Lena Ph again! Dancing like a zombie in purple tights to the self-referencing masterpiece that is Lena Anthem. 14 mins til the end of the programme so I guess about 8 til we know the winner. Det Gor Ont! Again! It is an ace song though. I want some purple tights.

Carola is back with a sparkly envelope. Of course the winner must come in a sparkly envelope! The points for this final round come in multiples of 11. My expectation is that Martin’s lead will gain him less votes cos frankly he doesn’t need them, but this could lead to him losing out. So much tension! OMG! Shirley only got 44 points! She will lose her 2nd place for sure. She looks sad but waves. And Alcazar only get 66. Aww! 🙁 They clap nicely with false smiles. 88 points go to Caroline! Oh no! But still she is behind Alcazar and Shirley so all is well. 110 points to…(OMG tension!)…Martin! Has he still won? I don’t know! The winner of this vote getting 120 points is Nanne. The final results are up: Martin has won by just 3 points! How close can you get! He is very very excited! And buff! Hooray!

I’m not sure how to feel about Martin winning. I am quite pleased cos Las Vegas and Martin himself are both very ace but there were both better songs for Eurovision (Linda, Nanne) and acer people (Alcazar, Jimmy). I can’t really see an American themed song blowing everyone away. But is is very catchy.

So the final results were:

1. Martin – 212 points
2. Nanne – 209
3. Alcazar – 135
4. Shirley – 130
5. Caroline – 116
6. Jimmy – 49
7. Sanne – 35
8. Fredrik & Sanna – 30
9. Linda – 15
10. Nordman (HA!) – 15

Martin goes up to get his award. He snogs an ugly man! It may just be the excitement speaking. Then he sings again and laughs through the first verse. he almost knocks out everyone on stage with a microphone stand.


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